Sometimes life sucks, sometimes you just want to crawl into the corner and stay there. Nothing has changed in my life I'm still in love with John, I'm still getting good grades in school, and I'm still the same old, unpopular Jess, but I've just made alot of realizations about my life and for some reason they really hit me hard.

I have no friends, I have the occasional "friend" who will talk to me, but not a single friend who I call or calls me to go hang out, go see a movie. I don't have anyone except John to go to, and he's not even here with me.

No one knows me, or cares to know me. I'm a loner, I don't even leave my dorm room to do anything except go to class, I have no life and I'm using what little "life" I have to wallow in self-pity. I try make friends, but to no suprise, they don't care, they don't want to be MY friend, there's just somthing about me.

People just don't want to be around me. I guess I'm not fun, or too loud, or too annoying, I dont know. There's somthing that draws people away from me. I'm not attractive, so guys don't want to be around me. Girls don't like me, god knows why.

I have no self-confidence. I call myself ugly, I call myself stupid, I think I'm getting fat. Everyone around me (what little of them there are) tells me otherwise, but somthing just keeps me from hearing them. Deep down I know I'm not stupid or getting bigger. Everything just seems to be going wrong with me and being ugly and stupid and fat gives me reason for why everything is going bad becuase I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm losing what little friends I have. I can feel it, I'll attemp to keep the connections going, but it just doesn't work. They've climbed the "popularity ladder" and I'm obviously still at the bottom, a stepping stool for some of them. I remeber back in Middle School and High School when the group of people I hung out with just didn't give a shit, fuck following the trends of everyone else, I am who I am so fuck you. Now I look at them and I see everything that they said they never wanted to be. Maybe I'm just slow, maybe I just don't have the personality or looks to make friends and become some-what known, I dont know. All I do know is that I miss my friends and I wish I could turn back time and change something so that we still had the connection that we once had.

I don't know why all of the sudden I feel this way, it was out of nowhere. I hate myself, I walk around campus and imagin what other people are thinking about me, whenever I hear people laugh, I think it's about me. It's sad really, I have only 3 people in my life that I can truly say that they care about me, and I care about them, my mom, my dad, and John, Not even myself. Only 3 people who I would cry for, who I would sacrafice myself for, because everyone else in my life left me or is just...gone. I hate this, I don't even have the incentive to change myself or the way I feel about myself. I wish I did. The love I have for John and my parents is the only thing keeping me going. I know I should be happy for what I have; I have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am and cares about me so much and would step out infront of a moving car for me, I have parents who love me unendingly and would do anything to ensure my happiness. I just wish I had that last element, Friends. I wish I had guys that would show intrest in me, not that I really want to pursue anything, I just want to know that there's other people out there who think I'm "cool" or attractive in some way.

I don't know, I'm just blubbering. I needed to vent. Sorry.

--jess